Next please!

Sometimes words are not enough to express the feelings like love, anger and sadness.

Expressing any emotion beyond certain limits would be the biggest crime that one does in life. By the time I realized how fake people are around me my entire world was upside down. I convinced myself saying “end of the day it’s not even your family and friends it’s just you and you alone who has to face the harsh truth filled with bitterness.” I’ve heard heartbreaks and happiness explodes beautiful poet in one and gives them a reason to write. But as for me today everything is a mixed feeling.

I got escaped from a relationship lately and it took me a while to get over the thoughts fighting inside which probably is worse then the Ind-Pak fight. I kept blaming myself for being a self-centered person but then don’t you think being selfish about yourself is great sometimes. Don’t you think promises made between lovers must be little modified. For instance, I will love you and respect you until you do the same. Until yesterday my patterns about a relationship was totally different. I felt selfless faith and care are the prioritirs to build a strong foundation of any relationship but today I feel mutual faith and respect would make a perfect connection. I kept judging myself for repeating the same mistakes again and again. As for me and my society in which I was brought up having relationships before marriage is considered a taboo. But being a educated and independent girl I got all the freedom to break through such taboo and meet new people. Yes and I did meet new people some of my choices were terrible and few are still wonderful. Inspit of adoring the wonderful people I have in life I started feeling bad for the relationships which were over. I tried asking myself several questions on what is the root cause but never found any answer. For me accepting things the way it is and moving on wasn’t that easy. Yes. It’s true every person comes to our life to teach us something, I did learn how to be bold and get over my dreadful experiences thinking its just a phase of my life.

I always admired the scene from the movie Dear Zindagi (Sharukh Khan and Alia Bhat) where Sharukh being a psychologist asks Alia whether she bought a chair for herself…and he correlates the same with our lives. The thought about meeting new people, liking them, slowly when you know you are not comfortable enough moving on is just a part of the cycle. At least you get the chance to know them. It was an interesting way of putting up such complicated stuff in a very easy way.. All thanks to Gauri Shinde. Every girl or a boy must go to buy a comfortable chair for themselves. Hope you understand what I meant!

Thanks for reading!

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Little did I know

Feelings flew in the air like there’s no end, Promises are made as per the trend.

Growing hopes fills my heart, Raging storm pulls the past.

Courage to do anything is extraordinary, Reason to do those things are mandatory.

Ever ready to do everything I vow, Little did I know the meaning of love.

-Suby Mathew

Inside the cute little doll

Part 2

Next day evening we again met and I decided to talk to him about last night. We did talk but not about what happened last night. Me being a chatterbox kept on talking though I had starting trouble and he being a good listener kept quiet and was paying attention to all my stupid stories. No we weren’t drunk this time. And the urge to kiss him was still there unlike the last night it was more this time because we both were alone under the open sky.

My heart pleaded him to leave that bitch right away and stay with me but my brain said, “Don’t be stupid he doesn’t like you, he is a typical mallu guy who sincerely loves his girlfriend”. But his way of approach towards me was quite appealing as if he doesn’t care about anybody else except for me. I was damn sure that if I would straight away ask him to leave her for me it won’t happen and I might sound like a TV serial vamp which my friends called me already. So why not being a vamp this time I decided to cling on him knowingly. I knew very well that he needs just a push to leave her. And me like a player played my cards well. I grabbed all his attention and spend most of my time with him. Now my only aim was to grab his attention and make him forget about her totally. Yes, and it was working exactly like how I wanted it to be. I used to feel low sometimes, thinking how could I be so selfish but my friends motivated me to continue.

Mission accomplished….

Next day evening all of us went for a movie together and Mr. X sat next to me. I decided to tell him everything tonight. The movie section went on all well and good but once we reached hostel there lies a bomb which was about to explode….A gift. She sent him a birthday gift which came to Samee’s address (long story) and I saw it first. It gave chills to my spine I was upset, angry, jealous all at the same time. But since we had to go for dinner to his place I pretend as if I don’t care. Samee gave him the gift as soon as we reached there he gave a glance at me and then was busy opening the gift he got.

My heart to myself, “why didn’t you burn this gift on the way to his house”. After some moment of awkward silence he went to the terrace and texted me to meet him there. I went up thinking I would end this up tonight but he proposed to me to which I couldn’t say no….Ofcouse I wanted him to say this but not like this.

My mind was asking dozens of questions to myself,”Then what about that girl? She will kick my ass off if she would come to know about it.” I told him that I didn’t wanna be a third person in his life which apparently meant that I wanna be the first and the last. My scale of selfishness was in hike all I wanted was him to get rid of her…who was still a stranger, whom I’ve never met till now. Next day he send me a text saying that he broke up with her. I was happy and my soul was dancing and singing but I showed him fake sympathy for his brake up. Yes, I did it. The sweet innocent looking me who is not so innocent did this. There was a mixed feeling of guilt and achievement at the same time. That poor soul might not even know the proper reason until now.

Warning: This story is purely imaginary please do not judge me after reading it😇

Inside the cute little doll

Part 1
When I woke up today morning I felt dirty…. Very dirty. I took a shower thinking its me physically, but the inner me still remained the same.


Few months back I met this person named X (cause I don’t wanna revel his name) he taught me how to be happy with little in life. I was past my relationship with my Ex when I met this gentleman. We never spoke much but were fascinated by each others presence. As a matter of fact he was committed with a girl when I met him. He being committed never bothered me until that night which changed my thoughts about him.

That night…. Samee and I are college buddies we had a gange of six. After graduation we got scattered for job and studies but to my surprise I ended up staying with Samee n Riya in their PG. So, Mr. X n Samee are friends already and it was Samee who introed me to him. Coming back to that night…we were all drunk and high for no reason. I could only see shadows of people around me but I saw him coming and sitting near me trying to start a conversation. I couldn’t help and started talking out my heart cause that’s exactly what booze does to you. It was dark and we were lost in our own world of lights. All I remember was his smile which was really tempting me to kiss his lips while he was still talking to me. Taking myself aback I asked my mind to control my emotions. He is not yours he is already someone else’s property Stop! Stop! at once. I slept holding his hand once I passed out that night and my friends separated us making him sleep in another room. Next morning my friends asked me a lot of questions regarding him and I felt all numb because of the Rum I had night before. They were explaining each and everything which happened and I was thinking Oh shit! What have I done? It’s wrong. This is not how it should be…Somewhere inside I knew that he carries the mutual feelings for me as well but Sam brainwashed me saying its lust and not love cause he is a total stranger to me.

To be continued…

Sea of lies

She is confident, she is cool about the lies she approves.

Her innocent face maketh everyone believe, the dirtiest lie that’s never reveled.

Her love for him would never fade, Hence the lies forever trade.

A day would come when the sun will burn, But she is happy and bold to face it all.

With her face held upward she sinks in this deep Sea of lies.

Suby Mathew